My Son
There have been few days in my life which were as important to me as the days my children were born - October 25, 1985 and June 9, 1987. My daughter is my second-born and the day she was born will forever be one of the happiest days of my life. The day my son was born, however, is truly one of the defining moments of my life. That was the day that I was transformed from being a young man into being a 'Dad'. There are not words to explain the joy, the pride, the overwhelming passion that I experienced when I first held my son. My son - this living, breathing, completely helpless baby was part of ME! And I was part of him. To this day - and I'm sure until my memory is gone - I cannot think of how much I love my son without becoming tearful. The memories of him falling asleep on my chest, the memories of playing with him in the park, the memories of camping with him, or teaching him, of learning from him - at times they flood over me with such force that I am forced to my knees in gratefulness to my God for giving me such a treasure. Time cannot erase my memory of his beautiful blue eyes, of his golden hair, of his infectious smile, his complete and utter trust in his dad as his protector. I would rather lose all my posessions that the memory and blessing of having raised my son.
He is grown now - my son. He is no longer the little boy who wants to hold my hand, who wants me to carry him, who wants me to play with him. There is such a hole in my heart - a deep yearning for the love and trust that only a child can express. I'm sure that all parents go through similar feelings - maybe that's what the empty nest syndrome is all about. Whatever it is, it hurts.
My son and I have grown apart. We don't understand each other any more. I'm not sure what the cause was - I think there is always the tendency of parents to 'blame' themselves for some unknown failure, or to look back at how they have raised their children and 'wish' for the opportunity to do things different - and maybe, given the chance, there are things I'd have done differently. But that type of reflection cannot be healthy - we cannot change the past and are foolish to 'wish' for that opportunity. We must live in the present.
I'm not sure what caused my son to take the journey he's taken, but his journey has been one that is, for the most part, very foreign to that which I have known. As a result, my journey (at his age) was one that would have been very foreign to what he has known. As a result, our values, ambitions, loves and passions are disparate to the point that, the few times we are in each other's company, I feel myself grasping for anything that we can call 'common'. We are strangers, he and I.
Oh, the mighty love I have for my son! If I could, I'd take all his doubts, all his fears, all his insecurity upon myself. I'd hold him and stroke his beautiful face as if he were my child again. But I cannot; I cannot take this from him. His is the charge to concquer his doubts, to embrace his fears, and to face his insecurities. The curse of dads is that, in becoming men, their sons must - by nature - reject the authority and protection of their fathers. They must, themselves, become authorities and protectors. And OH the torment of my soul to experience that.
There are two things I strive to rest in as I watch my son struggle into manhood. First, I KNOW that my son is a good and decent person. However misguided I may believe him to be, I know that my son has the tools to become a strong man - and those tools include compassion, charity, humility, and grace. Second, I KNOW that my God works everything together for good to those who love Him, to those who are the called according to His Word. Oh, how many sleepless nights I've cried to God for that comfort, though! It is one thing to 'know' something - it is quite another to 'rest' in that knowledge. Dear God help me to rest in that knowledge.
There is a passage which speaks to the relentless nature of God's love for His children; it is that, "neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor heighth, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can seperate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our lord." While I certainly am not God, inasmuch as I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually able, the same is true of my love for my son. There is NOTHING that can seperate my son from my love.
I love you Patrick.
Post Tinebrae Lux
He is grown now - my son. He is no longer the little boy who wants to hold my hand, who wants me to carry him, who wants me to play with him. There is such a hole in my heart - a deep yearning for the love and trust that only a child can express. I'm sure that all parents go through similar feelings - maybe that's what the empty nest syndrome is all about. Whatever it is, it hurts.
My son and I have grown apart. We don't understand each other any more. I'm not sure what the cause was - I think there is always the tendency of parents to 'blame' themselves for some unknown failure, or to look back at how they have raised their children and 'wish' for the opportunity to do things different - and maybe, given the chance, there are things I'd have done differently. But that type of reflection cannot be healthy - we cannot change the past and are foolish to 'wish' for that opportunity. We must live in the present.
I'm not sure what caused my son to take the journey he's taken, but his journey has been one that is, for the most part, very foreign to that which I have known. As a result, my journey (at his age) was one that would have been very foreign to what he has known. As a result, our values, ambitions, loves and passions are disparate to the point that, the few times we are in each other's company, I feel myself grasping for anything that we can call 'common'. We are strangers, he and I.
Oh, the mighty love I have for my son! If I could, I'd take all his doubts, all his fears, all his insecurity upon myself. I'd hold him and stroke his beautiful face as if he were my child again. But I cannot; I cannot take this from him. His is the charge to concquer his doubts, to embrace his fears, and to face his insecurities. The curse of dads is that, in becoming men, their sons must - by nature - reject the authority and protection of their fathers. They must, themselves, become authorities and protectors. And OH the torment of my soul to experience that.
There are two things I strive to rest in as I watch my son struggle into manhood. First, I KNOW that my son is a good and decent person. However misguided I may believe him to be, I know that my son has the tools to become a strong man - and those tools include compassion, charity, humility, and grace. Second, I KNOW that my God works everything together for good to those who love Him, to those who are the called according to His Word. Oh, how many sleepless nights I've cried to God for that comfort, though! It is one thing to 'know' something - it is quite another to 'rest' in that knowledge. Dear God help me to rest in that knowledge.
There is a passage which speaks to the relentless nature of God's love for His children; it is that, "neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor heighth, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can seperate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our lord." While I certainly am not God, inasmuch as I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually able, the same is true of my love for my son. There is NOTHING that can seperate my son from my love.
I love you Patrick.
Post Tinebrae Lux
posted by posttinebraelux | 9:38 AM
7 Comments:
Dear PTL,
Thanks for sharing this. I pray that great things will happen in your son and in your relationship with him.
My dad and my older brother were like two peas in a pod. I am so different in personality that if I didn't look exactly like both of them, I would swear I was found on the curb.
One day, when I was about 20, my dad said, "I don't understand anything you say or do." How true! But we always shared a common love for the Savior, and a common indwelling of the Spirit. By the time I was 25, and especially 30, we were seeing eye-to-eye on almost everything.
Love in Christ,
Jeff
Jeff,
I know that day will come in our relationship as well. I've seen it too many times to doubt it will happen. I earnestly look forward to that time. We are foolish to 'desire' any relationship to remain static. One of the beautiful things about relationships is that, as they change over time, there is just that much more opportunity to experience new and wonderful things about each other, be it husband and wife, father and son, or friend and friend.
Grace to you my brother,
PTL
maybe it's just me...but I understood the intent of your toothbrush story to Brad. Do ya think folks are a bit sensitive to comments? Brad's had some really rough days recently. Sometimes that can scew perspective a bit. Just a thought. SelahV
Selahv,
I do believe you're correct. It's very difficult to convey gentleness when 'typing' a message. I always re-read my messages to make sure they're as gentle and non-confrontational as possible while still trying to convey my thoughts. Sometimes that still doesn't work - especially in environments where people are easily agitated.
Grace and peace,
PTL
Read through your post about your son. My heart fills with something akin to sadness. Having lost the rhythm of my heartbeat and the air in my lungs when my son was killed, I can only say one thing. Call Patrick every day. Check in if for no other reason than to say you are thinking of him. He's so very proud of you. I know it in my bones. Let him know you need him. You really really need him. Not to do anything or be anything. You just need him.
When you have grandchildren, you will again have that wonderful I-love-you-just-because-you-are-you relationship again. Until then, give it to Patrick. My heart goes out to you, my brother. SelahV
Selah,
I have a good friend who lost two children - and though I know that God sustains through all trials, the 'mortal' side of me does not believe I could get through it if something happened to Patrick (or Brittney for that matter).
You are right - he will 'find his way' again because there is SO MUCH good stuff in him. My prayer is that the 'scars' from his struggling will not be too heavy.
PS - we visit almost daily. :)
May God's grace sustain us all,
PTL
May God's intervening hand move in Patrick's life today. May the Lord bring someone into his path who Patrick will listen to and hear. May your love and tenderness be everpresent in his mind and flood him with memories of yesterday that will bring him back to you, whole and stronger for his mistakes. In Jesus Name I pray. SelahV
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